we're never going home.

My package came today. :)
Some slouchy shirts cause I don't give a fuck.
Beanie.
Yellow Aviators.
Jennifer's wolf shirt.

My birthday was terrible; I spent most of it lying in my bed crying under my blankets and pillows. The only fun that I had was the fun that I made happen, which was to get a surface piercing, which is now causing a black eye.


Did I mention that my entire family forgot about my birthday because my half-sister had a baby at 7:30am? I did absolutely nothing today.



EDIT: Jennifer did take me out to sushi, which was nice.



Here's what I have of my short story so far.

The Land Between Solar Systems
The last dead brown veins of the leaf fell onto Murray’s oxford as he realized that he was not sure where he was going, if anywhere, or how he had just spent five hours wandering aimlessly through the Central Park. It was close to dusk, and the rain had sufficiently dampened his clothes and his emotions. Fall held beautiful colors, but on this particular evening, the rain and fog had changed the tone of the scenery. Beautiful burgundies were now a drab muted maroon, and the striking cerulean of the Manhattan sky was now a lifeless marbled mixture of every shade of grey. Murray needed to go back to his apartment and return to reality, but he was stuck in a cycle of contemplating the world’s meaning and his own. It was like having a Smiths album on repeat while tending to a broken heart. All Murray really wanted at this point was for someone to sing him to sleep. Instead of trying to fulfill this unrealistic yet tender goal, he headed back toward his apartment.
On the way, he felt it necessary to pick up a pack of Pall Malls. He decided on 100s, so that the several awkward seconds after finishing a cigarette that are usually spent deciding on the next activity can instead be spent smoking the rest of the abnormally long pack that he was about to buy. A granola bar completed the corner store purchase, and Murray started on the seven block walk back to his apartment. The rain had subsided, and when he reached his building, he suddenly found his legs refusing to walk any closer to the door. He instead turned in the opposite direction and proceeded to cross the semi-busy street without pressing the walk button. The uneven gravel that made up the two-way street was wet, glossy streaks of neon lights, bleeding in and out of each other as the cars created and destroyed a million different puddles of murky water. The OPEN signs displayed themselves to passersby like an open jar of sweets beckons to an unsuspecting child. After Murray narrowly but apathetically dodged angry cab drivers, he reached the sidewalk pavement of the next block. Canal Street. He had decided that since there were no assignments due (at least that he cared enough to complete), or any other pressing issues on his schedule, that he would head toward York Street.

I want to wake up and have it be tomorrow. This is a terrible birthday and I don't want to be a part of it.

Alright, I don't feel bad at all anymore. It's your fucking fault that Gary stopped talking to me. Thanks a lot for butting into shit that ain't your business.

So I invited this mutual friend that came to my party over to my house last night, and he stayed over after getting belligerently drunk. One thing led to another...yadda yadda. No sex, almost though. And then he deleted me on Facebook today. Oops, I'm having really bad luck with people these days! It doesn't really make me feel bad about myself, but it does kinda suck.

P.S. Almost had a threesome at my party. I can't even score at my own party!

Holy shit, that party was amazing. But now my floor is sticky as FUCK

FML

Pretty grossed out by the prominence of homophobia.


Fuck you, Catholic dogma followers.

i think i am finally happy again.
:)


my heart is full.

i'm feeling like i used to again. happy sometimes :)


i'm still really worried about a certain someone. i feel sick to my stomach thinking about their personal situation, and i already tried to reach out once. i don't know if i should do it again.

right now, i'm listening to lord of the rings music on my ipod and i'm eating some raspberries, and it just occurred to me that i have no idea where i'll see myself in 5 years. i have no idea what i'm doing. i got into a huge fight with my dad too, which made me feel like i was 12. someone, let me move into your house please.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

well that was short-lived.

(:
tehe.

I kind of feel like I'm going to vomit right now, and my heart is beating really fucking loud in my ears. I had a little too much spinach soup. I am really tired, but I can't bring myself to go to bed. I have too much stuff to think about and too much stuff to waste the night regretting.

I'm going to Tahoe from the 5th to the 7th. I was going to stop drinking but I think I'm just going to get wasted as fuck with my mom, Gary, and my brother in law. My brother can observe us and just drink juice and be holier than me, I guess. There will be good pot included in this trip, as well. I HOPE I DON'T GET INTO A SKIING ACCIDENT AND DIE FROM A EPIDURAL HEMATOMA D:

I woke up today, feeling more alone than ever. It helps being at my mom's right now, but I have to leave soon to go to work.


I just wish I could fast forward and figure out how this is going to end. I'm scared. I want my life back. I couldn't fathom living any other way. I wouldn't be happy any other way.

i want to go on a road trip to bodie during spring break.

i woke up crying from this dream:
i went to gary's so i could talk to his mom so maybe i could feel a little better, and i ended up running into him there and i said "i was just stopping by to say hey" and then he ignored me, so i walked out the door and started walking home. then he left and started walking in the other direction and i couldn't understand why he was ignoring me and i ran to him (for some reason i didn't have any shoes and the street was made of really sharp rocks) and asked him what he was doing and what his problem was. and he told me he was taking a girl out or something, and then i threw down my can of 7up (i don't know) and collapsed onto the ground and was crying for a really long time. then i heard a "are you kidding me? fuck you" and that was when i realized i was crying in my sleep and i woke up, but i couldn't stop crying. then i thought i heard someone at the door so i ran downstairs, but i think it was just the noise the flag makes when it's windy.
then i remembered about my letter so i decided to come downstairs to get it.

i feel like i am stuck.