les amis

Absolute official breakdown. Mental fucking breakdown.

Sitting on the back porch of The Razzz with Zach rocking back and forth pulling my hair and dry heaving. Repeating how disgusted and embarrassed I am. Apologizing every other two words. Forgetting to breath. Him holding me and trying to pull my hands out of my hair while telling me to not do this to myself. I went in circles. Circle after mother fucking circle. Asking myself why I care so much and at the same time trying to convince him that I am too sick for him to kiss me anymore. I told him how severely fucked up my life has gotten within the past six months and he said nothing for awhile then laid on my lap to keep warm. I stood up and walked down the stairs to go back inside the house.

We went back in, played a game of Spin the Bottle. I kissed Aaron, Brianna, Miguel, Rian, and Emily. Got tired.

Zach and I decided to go to sleep in Brigham's room with him and Anina. The next morning at 9:30AM Reuben opens the door, the four of us all asleep, he stands in the doorway yelling, "ZACH! ZACH! I NEED MY BELT BACK! CAN I GET MY BELT BACK? ZACH?" Zach finally wakes up, stares at Reuben, looks down at his belt and says, "This is my belt." Reuben pauses, " Oh, hahahaha, no, I think that's my belt." Zach starts to take off the belt when Reuben realizes that it isn't his own belt and that it really is Zach's. Reuben pauses again and says, "Oh, that is yours. Well... uh... CAN I HAVE MY PANTS BACK? Or do you not have another pair to wear???" Zach is still staring at Reuben with a sleepy gaze, he says, "Uh... no. These are the only pants I've got with me." Reuben then replies with, "Oh, because I'll only have one pair of pants for a week in LA." Zach just laid back down and went to sleep. All this time Brigham is saying, "GOOD MORNING REUBEN. GOOD MORNING. GOOD MORNING." But Reuben is way too frantic and focused on Zach to realize Brigham talking to him. 

Later that day Zach and I are sitting on the porch and he asks me, "So... why do you think Reuben came in this morning?" I said, "Uh... for a belt... and pants?" Zach looked at me and laughed. He reminded me of how Reuben NEVER EVER wears a belt, which is why his butt crack is so infamous. ALSO, he reminded me of how Reuben would've said, "Fuck it. I'll just wear this one pair of pants. I don't care." if he couldn't find another pair to bring with him. It's important to understand how truly lazy Reuben can be about certain things. A belt and pants is certainly nothing he would ride his bike five minutes to pick up at 9 in the fucking morning. He is even awake at 9 in the morning. The entire thing makes no fucking sense. Zach thinks he might have suspected something going on between him and I at the party, so he came over the next morning to see if it turned into anything more. What he saw was Zach and I on the floor, me in my sleeping bag laying on my stomach and Zach covered in a massive ripped up sleeping bag. He saw nothing but Zach and I sleeping next to one another, which I'm sure was enough to make him uncomfortable and frantic like he was. I have no idea. Zach thinks he's going to be rather offended but we'll see how things go. I'm surprised he even cares...

I don't know. Him doing something so out of character like this is confusing to me. I'm not thinking about it too much but it's definitely silly and pretty ridiculous. 

Almost as unbelievable as me giving Sara the BIGGEST FUCKING HUG EVER the other night at the party. I towered over her in my heels and I probably buried her face in my tits but whatever. She either has no reason to hate me now or if she still does then it's just funnier now. 

All in all, Zach and I are becoming closer friends and nothing romantic is developing between us and I like it. I miss Reuben of course. I'm closer to Brigham and Tommy's my best friend. I'm incredibly fucking lucky to have all these people in my life. 

So incredibly fucking lucky. Shit.

I'm really drunk off merlot, and I'm listening to "B Tone" by Benny Benassi on repeat.

My clothes aren't fitting the way they should. This is what I get for not eating full meals every day for the past couple of weeks.

• On the Queen Anne's Lace, the shed was slouched heavily; somewhere in between leaning and slouching on a few birches, which reflected the deercoat-dapple of the clouds in the sky splattered with cerulean paint. The birches were reaching out to the infinity of it. The meadow was almost vignetted: the further out you looked, the darker it was. Only the flakey orange paint of the shed was out of place.

Been listen to the Gaslight Anthem all day, for the first time without Gary.

I'm going to get a one-bedroom place, and I'm going to have a seperate fridge for beer. That is all.

 So the other day I decided to use formspring on my tumblr. For those who don't know what that is, it's basically like a truth box in the sense that people post things to you anonymously.  It's been really interesting. 

Here's a few of the questions:
It seems like you identify with your sadness or depression, why is that? Can’t you just be happy?

You are a babe in a way that kind of makes me feel kind uncomfortable because I generally do not get into the whole ultra-thin-clearly-as-a-result-of-illness-thing. I guess I find you phsyically attractive inspite of that, if that makes sense? anway...that's all.

i have a internet crush on you. anyway what is the most recent piece of music you have gotten really into lately?


The second question is one that really shook me up. I dunno. It's weird. I'm weird. My life is pretty ridiculous.  Rock on Barry Bonds. 

4 years later and people continue to blame me for things that I did not do. I look kind of homeless these days because I don't maintain my hair (which has a dread now) and all my clothes have holes. Someone broke my shoe the other day but I've still been wearing em. Up da punx.

 I've been hallucinating again. The serpent is back. I talked to Zach about it a bit. He told me about norse mythology and how Jörmungandr, The World Serpent, fought Thor in this epic battle. The serpent is symbolic of creation through destruction. Makes perfect sense.

I made my first two raw meals today. I started my day off with raw oatmeal (banana, two apples, flax seed, cinnamon) and for lunch I had collard green, guacamole, carrot, lettuce wraps. I'm not hungry at all. I am really bloated though but that's probably because I'll be starting my period soon. 

Monday I leave for SLO. Hopefully everything will go well and I'll meet some new people and if not then whatever, I'll be happy to be with my friends. I'm excited although a bit nervous that I'll breakout really bad and/or not like the way my new dress fits due to how bloated I am. 

I might be hanging out with Spencer and Aimee tonight but the likelihood of us sitting around bored again is VERY HIGH. 

I'm constantly at war with this black fucking hole inside of me. I just want to rot eternally and become this black fucking absence... infinite.

Last night Zach and I were in Tyler's car waiting for him to finish his art final when I shared with Zach Calvin's "prophetic" dreams he's had about me. It started off as a funny joke but Zach didn't think it was as funny as I did. He stopped laughing and then asked me how it made me feel. When I asked him what he meant he said, "Well, after what happened with Trevor and Travis and... yeah. Does it bother you?" I immediately said, "Yes. It has been a pretty big problem for quite a few years." I continued to tell him how severe it once was and I stammered the entire time. My voice was shaking. I'd pause for well over 30 seconds. He said that he hoped I didn't feel objectified. I replied with "Yeah."

I was walking home after dropping Zach off at the bus stop when these guys from three lanes over yelled, "HEY! COME SUCK MY DICK!" Fuck my stupid life.

I have mono. I can barely breathe, and I can't rotate my neck. at all. I want to cry every time I swallow. I can barely even swallow my own saliva. I've been spitting it into a cup.

I have the flu again. My dad thinks it might be swine.
There's a 90% chance that I'm going to miss watercolor tomorrow, ensuring that I failed all 3 classes. I'll probably be on academic probation. I want to leave school for a while...

You told me how angry you were when you didn't die.
Curled up in a blanket, your mouth was bleeding out lies.
Now you're with me, you are safe and you are warm.
I wont let it happen. I wont let it happen. I wont let it happen.

You told me how scary it was when you were alone.
You're mind was all over but you're body was dead and cold.
Destroy what you love
and blame it on a drug.
Hold it in your hands
give it away to the bugs.

I remember a little boy crying in the back of a van.
I hope that you knew that they did everything that they can.
I dont know where you've been I don't know what you've done.
You cant let that happen. You can't let that happen. You can't let that happen.

I remember the feeling I had when we were alone.
I've known you for years and our lives are just like a song.
And now that I have you I wonder what you think of me.
Are you happy like I am? Do you see the same light that I see?
Please let this happen. Please let this happen. Please let this happen.

and you can't love yourself if you hate the person you are.
I'm so thankful you are wonderful. I hope that i'm wonderful.

There's a battle raging inside my head, but neither side will be victorious.

Zach is on my couch right now. Watching Sanford and Son with me. The other night him and Brigham showed up at The Castle and hung out with everyone. As we were sitting around the coffee table he grabbed my finger and held it. He then asked me to go downstairs. We walked downstairs and sat on the couch. He kissed me. I kissed him back. I drank more of my beer. And more of my beer and more of my beer. The first thing we talked about that night was Reuben... We talked about Reuben, my ex, his best friend, and then he kissed me and kept on kissing me. I was fine at first but when I woke up yesterday in the middle of the night I realized his hand reaching for the middle of my legs. I freaked out and rolled over. He kissed my neck.

He asked to stay here until he had to go up and visit his grandma in Sacramento. He wanted to stay a week but I don't know about that. That's a long time. Fuck. Reuben never even stayed a week in Livermore. And for good reason. Ha. I need to talk to him today about what's going on between him and I and where things are going, or where they may go.

When it comes down to it, I'm just way too sick to be in any kind of intimate relationship with anyone. My hair is falling out like never before, my skin is dry and rough, my nails are disintegrating and I have no interest in doing a god damn thing about it. I'm still very much in love with Reuben and for me to start something with one of the few people he's closest to would be... I don't even know... it'd be some half-assed attempt at getting close to him again. Like, "Since I can't have you, I'll take the closest thing to you."

I'm pathetic. I'm going to talk to Zach later today and explain my current state and how toxic it could become. Hopefully, things go alright.

Besides all of this though, my weekend was great. I spent it with Tommy, Liz, Emily, Natalye, Carlos, Boofa, Steve Dave, Nick Vicars, Jesse, and Dan. Carlos accidentally ate a weed cookie and accidentally broke edge hahhaha. We got cool party pix of it. It's great. Boofa and I bonded for a bit and just told each other how stoked we are to know one another and that we're good people. He hugged me really tight and kissed my on the cheek. It was the bomb. We then continued to get shit-hammered.